FFVII: ADVENT CHILDREN ABRIDGED

[lightofeilia.livejournal.com]

Username: lightofeilia
Class: LOLZMONK
Title: FFVII:ADVENT CHILDREN ABRIDGED
Summary: LOL WHUT. REFER TO TITLE. PUTTING IT HERE BECAUSE I'M PROUD OF IT
Characters/Pairings: LOL EVERYONE CEPT GENESIS
Word count: 1243
Rating/warnings: TONS OF CAPSLOCK AND SHIT, I MEAN COME ON, IT'S EILIA-STAMPED





*EPIC OPENING SCENE THAT IS ACTUALLY AN ENDING SCENE DESIGNED TO GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS*

*CUT TO TWO YEARS AFTER HOLY KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF METEOR*

Cloud: Woe is me. I am emo for I have failed everyone that has died.
Kadaj: *appears* HELLO THERE BROTHER. IT'S TIME TO DIE.
Kadaj: *sends Loz and Yazoo to jump Cloud*

*epic fight scene ensues. Metallic things like motorcycles and swords unfold like a flower blooming in spring*

Loz: WHERE'S MOTHER? *cries*
Yazoo: STOP CRYING LOZ.
Kadaj: HELLO THERE MYSTERIOUS PERSON ON THE PHONE. SAY WHAT? FINE. *hangs up* BROTHER, I'VE DECIDED YOU DON'T HAVE TO DIE. YET. *epic hand wave*
Loz and Yazoo: *retreat*

Cloud:*is bleeding emo-ly* Tch. Whatever.
Cloud: *is suddenly attacked by his left arm*
Cloud: *recovers, then pulls out his phone and listens to a message from Tifa telling him to go to Healin Lodge. So he does.*
___

Reno: YO CLOUD. WHERE YOU BEEN? NVM FUCK THAT. *ATTACKS*
Cloud: *sidesteps, pushes Reno out the door, and then locks it*
Rude: *steps forward*
Reno FROM THE OUTSIDE: YOU'RE SO COOL RUDE.
Everyone in the room: *sweatdrops*
*A man in a wheelchair moves towards Cloud.*
Cloud: Rufus?? You're alive?
Rufus: And still dangerously handsome, yes. S'why I'm covered up. Please save the world again Cloud. So that Shinra may rebuild.
Cloud: *is not a SOLDIER*
Rufus: *does not care*
Rude: *says nothing*
Reno: *is locked out*
Cloud: ... Whatever.
___

At Aeris's church to look for Cloud, Tifa and Marlene discover that Cloud's been sick and living here.

Then...

Loz: *appears* WANNA PLAY?
Tifa: NO. FUCK OFF.
Loz: *cries*
Yazoo ON THE PHONE: LOZ. STOP CRYING

*EPIC FIGHT SCENE WITH EQUALLY EPIC PIANO MUSIC*

Tifa: *loses epically*
Loz: *gets hit by a big giant marble and starts crying like a girl*
Marlene: *is a defiant little girl*
Tifa: *passes out like a girl*

Some estimated time later, Cloud enters the church and sees Tifa on the ground. He promptly collapses beside her and experiences a weird dream.

Aeris: TEEHEEHEE I AM DEAD AND GET TO SPY ON ALL OF YOU WHILE YOU'RE NAKED 8D
Zack: Oooh baby. You're so devious it's turning me on so bad.
Aeris: Oh, you!
Cloud: I... would like some forgiveness? *super confused*

Reno: Dude. You're so fucking heavy, yo.
Cloud: *wakes up* Shut up. I weigh nothing.
Rude: *is all over Tifa*
Reno: Shyyyeahhh, right. Your kids are gone, by the way. Some silver-haired-men took them. You should go save them.
Cloud: I couldn't save anyone to begin with. Stop asking me to do all of these things. I'm clearly useless.
Tifa: *SUDDENLY WAKES UP AND HITS HIM WITH A PILLOW* GO DO IT YOU LOSER. IT'S MARLENE. YOU KNOW BARRET WILL SHOOT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR DEAD BODY IF YOU DON'T DO IT.
Cloud: ... Good point.

Cloud goes to save the kids.
...
...
...

IT'S A TRAP!

*Hypnotized kids block his way.*

Kadaj: HELLO THERE TRAITOR BROTHER. PLEASE TO BE GIVING ME MOTHER NAO, KTHX.
Cloud: *has no idea what he's talking about, and starts an epic fight*
*Then...Cloud's in trouble because his sword can't split into seven yet, for some dumb reason. Something else saves him, however*

Everyone: OMG IT'S A VAMPIRE RUN AWAY
Vincent: *is a BAMF* Cloud. I know you have Geostigma.
Cloud: ... what?
Vincent: You have Jenova cells fighting your body's cells. It's a pretty epic war going on. Unfortunately, your body's probably losing.
Cloud: ...How do you ---
Vincent: Tseng and Elena. They were tortured here. They had Jenova's head; it's what Kadaj is looking for.
Cloud: ... oh, THAT mother.
Vincent: They'll recreate Sephiroth if they have her. Reunion.
Cloud: Well, shit.
Marlene: *appears from the bushes* PHONE TIFA NOW. BEFORE I START CRYING
Cloud: *panicks, but can't find his phone*
Vincent: *panicks, because he doesn't have one at all*
Marlene: *scoffs at Vincent* BAWWWWWW
Cloud: OKAY OMG I'LL TAKE YOU TO SEE HER JUST STOP CRYING.


Cloud's phone: *is drowning*
“Hello. It's Reeve. I have nothing important to say to you.”
“I STOLE ALL OF YOUR MATERIA. AGAIN. HAH. AND THEN I PUT IT BACK. I'M SO AWESOME AND YOU KNOW IT”
“YO IT'S BARRET. YOU BETTER BE TAKING DAMN GOOD CARE OF MY BABY GIRL NOW YA HEAR”
“This is Tifa. For the millionth time."
"This is sooo cool! Being dead is awesome. I can MAKE MYSELF BE HEARD IN A DROWNING PHONE."
Cloud's phone: *dies*

*Meanwhile, back at Edge...*

Yazoo and Loz: Mother is obviously buried beneath this thing.
*hypnotized kids form a circle around the monument and start to dance*
Tifa: DENZEL!
Reno and Rude: You guys are so lame and stupid. *CUE FIGHT SCENE*

Kadaj: *is having fun* OMG WHAT DOES THIS MATERIA DO 8D
Rufus: *facepalms*

Bahamut SIN: *is summoned epically*
Everyone: OMG WHAT IS THIS WHAT'S GOING ON

Tifa: *passes out like a girl*
Denzel: NOOOOO. *stupidly runs towards Bahamut to try to ... poke it, or something*
Barret: *appears, WITH A SHINY NEW LASER HAND* GO HOME KID
Yuffie: WHO'S BEEN TOUCHING MY MATERIA??? I'M HERE AND I'M GONNA PUKE ALL OVER ALL OF YOU!
Red XIII: *is a BAMF with a plushie on his head*
Cait Sith: OMGOMGOMG STOP BOUNCING AROUND SO MUCH

*A bunch of smoke creatures try to jump Tifa!*

Denzel: Tifa!
Cid: *appears and skewers them all for some roasting later* S'up, bitches. WHERE'S MY TEA
Vincent: *appears too, brandishing his gun* Where can I buy a phone?

*For some reason they don't .. wait for an answer as they all go off to fight Bahamut*

Tifa: *facepalms*
Cloud: *appears on his bike* Denzel, Marlene's at home. Go. Get on, Tifa.
Tifa: *swoons*
Cloud: *sighs*

Rufus: Alright, I've had enough. Time for my exit. *takes off his cloth sexily to reveal a box*
Kadaj: o________O OMG MOTHER
Rufus: Say goodbye now. *tosses the box away*
Kadaj: FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK OFFFFFFFFFFFF

Bahamut SIN: *is suddenly super angry and starts flying high up*

Everyone: *takes turns playing TOSS-THE-CLOUD*
Bahamut: *snorts out a big blue ball of ass-toasting Mega Flare*
Cloud: *swims through it*
Aeris: OMG TAKE MY HAND TOO
Cloud: *rips Bahamut a new one*
Bahamut: *dies epically*
Cloud: *lands neatly on his bike, and starts the epic highway chase*

Reno: OMG EXPLOSIVES! BOOOOYAAKA!
Rude: ........... >___>
Cloud: *zooms past*
Loz and Yazoo: *explode* OMG WHAT IS THIS

Cloud's arm: *starts going rabid*
Aeris: HERE HAVE ALL OF MY MILK. I MEAN WATER.
Water: *appears and heals Cloud's Geostigma*
Zack: Baby, I'll have all of your milk if you let me *wiggles eyebrow*
Aeris: Oh, you!

Cloud: *pursues Kadaj*
Kadaj: REUNION. LOLZ SEE U LATER
Cloud: *tries to stop Kadaj*
Sephiroth: *MATERIALIZES, WITH MASAMUNE* OMG GIRL IT'S BEEN FOREVER
Cloud: O______________________O
Sephiroth: I BROUGHT YOU A PRESENT. IT'S CALLED DESPAIR. *teleports and starts throwing buildings around*
Cloud: *jumps and dodges*
Sephiroth: *stabs Cloud through the shoulder* WHYYYYY DO I HAVE SUCH BAD AIM? IT'S THE THIRD TIME. I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING GENERAL FOR MOTHER'S SAKE
Cloud: I pity you. *levels up*
Sephiroth: *is Omnislashed*
Kadaj: Oh look, it's mommy. *disintegrates*
Cloud: *gets shot by Yazoo and Loz, who is crying yet again*
Cloud: *passes out like a girl and into the lifestream*

Aeris: BORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING. *kicks Cloud out of the Lifestream and back into Edge*

Cloud: OKAY, OKAY. I WON'T ASK FOR FORGIVENESS ANYMORE.
Everyone: *is cured*
Tifa: *gives the camera a cute, boob-thrusting, I'm-gonna-bone-Cloud-later-on-the-bar-counter look*
Cloud: *smiles*

THE END