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moogle_workshop2013-06-16 07:54 pm
kuro_pantsu) wrote in moogle_workshop2013-06-16 07:54 pm
Entry tags:
Getting to know Noctis (Versus XIII Crackfic)
I wrote this a few days before E3 for nothing other than the lulz and debated over whether to post it or not given that it was more a satire about the production of VersusXIII rather than a legitimate crackfic set in Versus XIII. But since it's still technically capable of qualifying for points (to my knowledge at least - it follows Noctis and is set in VersusXIII's world so that should count, right?) and I really need to earn some of those...here we are.
Username: kuro_pantsu
Class: Thief
Title: Getting to know Noctis
Summary: Exploring the vast, complex, well-established character that is Noctis in a cracktastic light. (So in short a satire of Versus XIII's troubled production.)
Characters/Pairings: Noctis. Tetsuya Nomura (he counts as an FF character by now right?) Development Hell/Versus XIII
Word count: 835
Rating/warnings: Crack. Please do not take this as a serious view of Noctis, Versus XIII or Tetsuya Nomura. I am merely just poking a bit of fun at them (and I actually have a lot of respect for Nomura even if I don't always agree with his actions.)
Who was he?
Why that was a stupid question! He was Noctis Lucis Caelum of course! (Or maybe it was Nexus Lucy Calcium... this narrator does tend to forget...)
Yes, Noctis Something Something Pretentious Latin Name Esquire XIII Desu Desu Ne. That was him. The face of...well the face of anything really, he was good looking enough that every company and product wanted him to model for them. With his indescribably banal generic pretty boy beauty that seemed to bless every male from the age of 14-25 that was of significant note this was entirely understandable - he looked just like everyone else...ONLY BETTER! But in a humble homely kind of way that still somehow managed to be impeccably cool. Far from a gilded lily of dazzling perfection, Noctis was ugly in an attractive kind of way - his skin was porcelain yet supple and flexible (which was handy given his vague and mysterious sex life that may or may not exist), pale enough to be compared to marble but pink enough that it would require any artist to use a light rose tint when crafting his portrait. He was feminine but in a butch sort of manner that struck up the image of a woman crossdressing. Boyish but in a grown up man kind of style. Sensational and the height of style but in a dorky, relatable everyman way. He had the bluest of red eyes that sparkled a spectacular shade of neon polka dot yellow when he used his undefined magical powers of sparkliness that made the faint of heart swoon. My word he was pretty. Oh so pretty. His cigarette butt shade hair had that luscious spikey run-your-fingers-through-and-then-wince-on-account-of-it-being-rigid-hard-and-quite-likely-coated-with-hair-gel-so-your-hands-are-now-sticky quality that bald men could only dream of. Gorgeous.
This was he. Noctis.
Noctis. Awesome guy. What could be said about him other than his awesomeness? Well there were his foibles and flaws and not-awesomeness that made him human but they were so evident that they didn't need to be identified. Yes, he was quite a character!
He was also a prince. Of a kingdom. Because...princes can't really belong to socialist state (well they can but there are a lot of technicalities involved) so it was a kingdom or bust. Though that kingdom was in danger of going bust. Well this made Noctis blaze with rage of course! Or maybe not... maybe he kept his emotions tightly contained in a mental tupperware box and put them in cold storage so that they'd remain fresh and viable when opened later. Or perhaps he just laughed because he was a laid back easy going kind of guy that didn't get bothered by such little things as his nation crumbling and political upheaval threatening the very way his people lived...AH THAT NOCTIS! SO MYSTERIOUS! Always keeping those around him guessing!
So there he was, Noctis, Prince of...wherever, font of wonderfulness, sitting on his black throne and...not doing anything.
He did not know why he wasn't doing anything, whether it was because he could not think of something to do or whether this was in fact a scheme of his with idleness being a crucial aspect or he was simply moping for the sake of it, the truth remained uncertain. He did however find the sensation of cold undefined black surface rather uncomfortable against his rear (not quite as painful as the love of a dominant homosexual male but a similar affront to the arse nonetheless) and longed to get up if only so that it would go away.
He looked to the left.
He looked to the right.
The place seemed a desolate shell of a setting, so barren that not even tumbleweed appeared to grace it.
Well...that was strange.
Or perhaps it wasn't. Noctis really couldn't tell what was the established norm nowadays.
He rapped his fingers against the arm of his throne. This was so boring...
Surely there could be sparkle fights he could be having or overly appealing young women he could be indulging in awkward conversation with?
He almost felt compelled to tap his foot but then decided against it as that might spur on a musical number and he wasn't sure if he did those or not.
Nope. He was just going to continue sitting there...
And sitting there...
And...
He exhaled in the quick rasping way that sounds almost like someone breaking wind.
ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.
HE STOOD UP.
MAGNIFICENTLY.
EPICLY.
DESCRIBE-IN-A-RHAPSODY-COMPOSED-OF-AN-ABUNDANCE-OF-THE-MOST-LURID-AND-FANTASTIC-WORDS-LANGUAGE-HAS-TO-OFFERABLY.
And then he moved all of one step forward.
AND THE WORLD WENT BLACK.
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
...........
............
.............
In the dingy corner of Square Enix's sleek and elegant programming department, an essential programmer of extreme importance but no name shrieked at his now malfunctioning computer screen. Sucking in his breath anxiously, he whirled around on his chair to face the spikey haired Japanese man of questionable fashion sense that was currently bathed in what can only be described as a plethora of plastic Kain Highwind figures. "Nomura-san, it happened again!!!"
Username: kuro_pantsu
Class: Thief
Title: Getting to know Noctis
Summary: Exploring the vast, complex, well-established character that is Noctis in a cracktastic light. (So in short a satire of Versus XIII's troubled production.)
Characters/Pairings: Noctis. Tetsuya Nomura (he counts as an FF character by now right?) Development Hell/Versus XIII
Word count: 835
Rating/warnings: Crack. Please do not take this as a serious view of Noctis, Versus XIII or Tetsuya Nomura. I am merely just poking a bit of fun at them (and I actually have a lot of respect for Nomura even if I don't always agree with his actions.)
Who was he?
Why that was a stupid question! He was Noctis Lucis Caelum of course! (Or maybe it was Nexus Lucy Calcium... this narrator does tend to forget...)
Yes, Noctis Something Something Pretentious Latin Name Esquire XIII Desu Desu Ne. That was him. The face of...well the face of anything really, he was good looking enough that every company and product wanted him to model for them. With his indescribably banal generic pretty boy beauty that seemed to bless every male from the age of 14-25 that was of significant note this was entirely understandable - he looked just like everyone else...ONLY BETTER! But in a humble homely kind of way that still somehow managed to be impeccably cool. Far from a gilded lily of dazzling perfection, Noctis was ugly in an attractive kind of way - his skin was porcelain yet supple and flexible (which was handy given his vague and mysterious sex life that may or may not exist), pale enough to be compared to marble but pink enough that it would require any artist to use a light rose tint when crafting his portrait. He was feminine but in a butch sort of manner that struck up the image of a woman crossdressing. Boyish but in a grown up man kind of style. Sensational and the height of style but in a dorky, relatable everyman way. He had the bluest of red eyes that sparkled a spectacular shade of neon polka dot yellow when he used his undefined magical powers of sparkliness that made the faint of heart swoon. My word he was pretty. Oh so pretty. His cigarette butt shade hair had that luscious spikey run-your-fingers-through-and-then-wince-on-account-of-it-being-rigid-hard-and-quite-likely-coated-with-hair-gel-so-your-hands-are-now-sticky quality that bald men could only dream of. Gorgeous.
This was he. Noctis.
Noctis. Awesome guy. What could be said about him other than his awesomeness? Well there were his foibles and flaws and not-awesomeness that made him human but they were so evident that they didn't need to be identified. Yes, he was quite a character!
He was also a prince. Of a kingdom. Because...princes can't really belong to socialist state (well they can but there are a lot of technicalities involved) so it was a kingdom or bust. Though that kingdom was in danger of going bust. Well this made Noctis blaze with rage of course! Or maybe not... maybe he kept his emotions tightly contained in a mental tupperware box and put them in cold storage so that they'd remain fresh and viable when opened later. Or perhaps he just laughed because he was a laid back easy going kind of guy that didn't get bothered by such little things as his nation crumbling and political upheaval threatening the very way his people lived...AH THAT NOCTIS! SO MYSTERIOUS! Always keeping those around him guessing!
So there he was, Noctis, Prince of...wherever, font of wonderfulness, sitting on his black throne and...not doing anything.
He did not know why he wasn't doing anything, whether it was because he could not think of something to do or whether this was in fact a scheme of his with idleness being a crucial aspect or he was simply moping for the sake of it, the truth remained uncertain. He did however find the sensation of cold undefined black surface rather uncomfortable against his rear (not quite as painful as the love of a dominant homosexual male but a similar affront to the arse nonetheless) and longed to get up if only so that it would go away.
He looked to the left.
He looked to the right.
The place seemed a desolate shell of a setting, so barren that not even tumbleweed appeared to grace it.
Well...that was strange.
Or perhaps it wasn't. Noctis really couldn't tell what was the established norm nowadays.
He rapped his fingers against the arm of his throne. This was so boring...
Surely there could be sparkle fights he could be having or overly appealing young women he could be indulging in awkward conversation with?
He almost felt compelled to tap his foot but then decided against it as that might spur on a musical number and he wasn't sure if he did those or not.
Nope. He was just going to continue sitting there...
And sitting there...
And...
He exhaled in the quick rasping way that sounds almost like someone breaking wind.
ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.
HE STOOD UP.
MAGNIFICENTLY.
EPICLY.
DESCRIBE-IN-A-RHAPSODY-COMPOSED-OF-AN-ABUNDANCE-OF-THE-MOST-LURID-AND-FANTASTIC-WORDS-LANGUAGE-HAS-TO-OFFERABLY.
And then he moved all of one step forward.
AND THE WORLD WENT BLACK.
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
...........
............
.............
In the dingy corner of Square Enix's sleek and elegant programming department, an essential programmer of extreme importance but no name shrieked at his now malfunctioning computer screen. Sucking in his breath anxiously, he whirled around on his chair to face the spikey haired Japanese man of questionable fashion sense that was currently bathed in what can only be described as a plethora of plastic Kain Highwind figures. "Nomura-san, it happened again!!!"
POINTS
{Yep, it counts for points! &hearts}
Words cannot properly describe how absolutely hilarious and side-splitting this crackfic is to read. Seriously, I'm glad I wasn't drinking my tea yet--it would have been all over the computer monitor if I had! Awesome job, as always. :D
Re: POINTS
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